Everybody gets irked from time to time. I am somebody who gets bothered quite a bit actually, perhaps even more than the average person. Is it because I am more sensitive than most? Maybe. Is it because I expect more from humanity than the "normal" person? Could be. But mostly, I think it might be because a small, secret part of me likes being annoyed from time to time. If only to have something to complain about and share with you good people.With that in mind, a list I say, of those little irritations that, unfortunately cannot be cured with a shot of penicillin.
-People who sneeze unnecessarily loud.
-The fact that, for some reason, people on motorcycles get to go WAY faster than us automobilists.
-Server's who gauge their final thank you's based on the tip they received after a quick peek.
-Painfully unfunny people who constantly joke.
-One-uppers.
-People who only like one kind of music.
-Bartenders who give you back $15 in change after ordering one beer hoping for a large tip.
-Anyone who claims to be a Dr. but uses their first name. (ie. Dr. Phil, Dr. Drew etc.)
-People who NEVER signal
-People who have no idea their breath is bad. You'll know them. They're the ones who stand the closest to you when they speak. And God help me, they will not take your gum, no matter how many times you subtly offer.
-People who talk to other people in a different language in front of you.
-People in zombie movies who board themselves up in a house rather than just walking past the bastards. You have like 5 shotguns idiot.
-People who read the menu at any fast food restaurant.
-Slow eaters
-The rapid growth of my nose hair since 30.
-People with hair who waste it by styling or cutting it stupidly.
-Anybody in an Eharmony commercial.
-The Italian soccer team. And fans of the Italian soccer team.
-Those days where you constantly think someone is calling your name.
-The 3 days in between burning your tongue and tasting again.
-The ridiculous amount of poker on TV.
-The Doctor who told me after I tore the ligaments in my ankle that I would have been better off breaking it. "Sorry to let you down Doc. I'll try harder next time."
-People who sleep in public. Creepy. Rob them. Unless they're homeless. Then there's no point.
-People who tell me to pull up my pants.
-Gauging the appropriate distance a person behind you has to be for you to either hold the door for them or just let it go.
-Being completely off on that and the feeling you get when they see you holding the door and have to do that half-assed jog to it. Thanks for the unwanted exercise asshole.
-People who point with their lips.
-Endless road construction, or highway shut downs that show NO change or difference whatsoever afterwards. I guess we just don't understand roads.
-Nickelback fans.
-Josh Groban's voice.
-Rob Thomas. That's it. Just him.
-J-Lo being called a triple threat when she is insanely mediocre at all three.
-George Carlin being dead.
-MLSE!!!!!
-Old Navy commercials. Every single one since the company started.
-The fact that cold air drops and doesn't rise. My room is boiling.
-Having to sleep away nice days.
-Sparkly vampires.
-Blueberries
-Showering with someone.
-Apartheid.
Wow I feel better. Thanks for letting me vent. You know what doesn't irritate me though? You. Yes, You. And if you liked this, don't you worry, they'll be another. BIG UPS AND I'M OUT!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
My thumbs are buried...
So me and ma gurl have been frequenting the local moving pictures lately and have seen all manner of Hollywood fare guaranteed to entertain, enlighten, and dare I say, allow consumption of mass amounts of overpriced concessions before the previews have ended. We've embarked on the Kick-Ass journey and both believed it to be indeed kick-ass. We've viewed Date Night, on a date night, and the coincidence still tickles us. We've even seen Death at a Funeral which should be retitled: James Marsden on acid surrounded by sad black people. But the "film" I am going to tell you about right now is one that I can honestly say is the worst movie I have ever gone to the theatre to see, EVER. And I have seen Police Academy 6: City Under Siege. This movie is entitled: The Back-Up Plan. (Should be called The WACK-Up Plan. Yeeeah nice).
Let's begin the review of this J-Lo vehicle at the beginning. Oh and spoiler alert, I am going to seriously ruin this for you. Well, at least the first 34 minutes because that's all I actually saw. Besides, if you wanted to go see this, either read this or throw $12 directly into a Slap-Chop. Save yourself the gas money.
J-Lo needs a baby!!!! Apparently, she is a hideous dog-faced Latina with absolutely NO prospects at all?! Livin' in New York as all those sad incredibly hot spinsters do, bein' a great person, friend, aunt, and having a lot of integrity as well. See, she used to be high on the corporate ladder, an exec somewhere making large coin, but had an epiphany or some such and now she owns and operates her own Pet Shop. AWWWWWW!! You can totally see why she's single. Who the fuck wants that?! She also has a pet dog who gets around on a two-wheeled contraption because his back legs are useless. Much like this premise, ha-HA! The dog's name is scrappy, or rollie, or Stephen Hawking or something. Best character in this.
She's also got a sister who has like 146 kids or some shit, just running around in the scenes they're in, being complete bullshit children. As her sister is preparing a chicken for dinner, the bastards just grab it, raw and all, and book. This is just bad parenting. Anyhoo, Opening shot is of J-Lo's feet, in stirrups, getting basted by creepy doctor. She's lamenting on the fact that she hadn't had a pedicure before getting impregnated. This is where the script is taking us. A two second idea needing dialogue to fill 90 mins. I am hitting the keys very hard right now.
So she gets out of the clinic and hits the street. She sees a baby carriage and bends down to say "hi baby" and the woman pushing it yells "get away from me!" and goes on. Amen sister. The only laugh that escaped me. She's gotta go to her Pet Shop which is always empty. How does she afford any of this shit? But, yet she manages to get Cesar Milan in as a guest speaker a little later on. Completely makes sense. Blah, blah, blah, boring dialogue, stupid jokes, and now she is somewhere and has to get somewhere else, she's gotta catch a cab, so she does...
The Meet Cute. She gets in a cab, he gets in on the other side. Could happen. Instantly in love because their fighting over the cab sweetly and friendly instead of either cussing or backing out slowly (this IS New York). They both get out, he follows her to the Subway. Some stupid thing about picking up lucky pennies and it is now the next day. J-Lo and sister at the open air market looking at shit. She sees him at a stall. Makes sense in a city of about 8 million people. He is a dairy farmer who makes goat cheese. Of course he is. They flirt. He pursues her by finding her pet shop, they make a date.
Seconds before he is to arrive, she decides it's a good time to take the pregnancy test. As the doorbell rings and she realizes "Oh shit, right I made a date with creepy, goat teat pulling guy", she drops the test and the dog eats it. Ehh?...Ehh? That's good writing. So she goes on the date in a public park with a romantic table setting and wine and stupid, stupid conversation and ends up setting fire to it all. For real people! At her door they kiss and he invites her to spend the weekend up at his dairy farm. Of course he does. She says yes, walks into her house and discovers...GASP! The test smothered in her dog's puke reads positive!!!!!
So she goes to his farm, and they have a typical rom-com moment (sorry, bad rom-com moment). It's when she plucks up the nerve to tell him she's pregnant. "I have something to tell you." "Wait, before you do, let me show you something." He opens up his barn full of cheese, and there are candles lit everywhere like it's a romantic restaurant for fromage. Then they do it. In a barn full of cheese. Cool off ladies. Then ma gurl turns to me and reminds me why she's ma gurl, "This is fucking stupid do you want to go?" YYYYESH!! Went to Guest Services, said I had an emergency and had to go, got two free passes, and bounced. First and only movie I've ever walked out on. Went down to the lake and smoked a joint by Ontario Place. All in all a great night. Got to hang out with ma gurl and smoke a joint, and got something new to complain about. Not much else you can ask for.
Let's begin the review of this J-Lo vehicle at the beginning. Oh and spoiler alert, I am going to seriously ruin this for you. Well, at least the first 34 minutes because that's all I actually saw. Besides, if you wanted to go see this, either read this or throw $12 directly into a Slap-Chop. Save yourself the gas money.
J-Lo needs a baby!!!! Apparently, she is a hideous dog-faced Latina with absolutely NO prospects at all?! Livin' in New York as all those sad incredibly hot spinsters do, bein' a great person, friend, aunt, and having a lot of integrity as well. See, she used to be high on the corporate ladder, an exec somewhere making large coin, but had an epiphany or some such and now she owns and operates her own Pet Shop. AWWWWWW!! You can totally see why she's single. Who the fuck wants that?! She also has a pet dog who gets around on a two-wheeled contraption because his back legs are useless. Much like this premise, ha-HA! The dog's name is scrappy, or rollie, or Stephen Hawking or something. Best character in this.
She's also got a sister who has like 146 kids or some shit, just running around in the scenes they're in, being complete bullshit children. As her sister is preparing a chicken for dinner, the bastards just grab it, raw and all, and book. This is just bad parenting. Anyhoo, Opening shot is of J-Lo's feet, in stirrups, getting basted by creepy doctor. She's lamenting on the fact that she hadn't had a pedicure before getting impregnated. This is where the script is taking us. A two second idea needing dialogue to fill 90 mins. I am hitting the keys very hard right now.
So she gets out of the clinic and hits the street. She sees a baby carriage and bends down to say "hi baby" and the woman pushing it yells "get away from me!" and goes on. Amen sister. The only laugh that escaped me. She's gotta go to her Pet Shop which is always empty. How does she afford any of this shit? But, yet she manages to get Cesar Milan in as a guest speaker a little later on. Completely makes sense. Blah, blah, blah, boring dialogue, stupid jokes, and now she is somewhere and has to get somewhere else, she's gotta catch a cab, so she does...
The Meet Cute. She gets in a cab, he gets in on the other side. Could happen. Instantly in love because their fighting over the cab sweetly and friendly instead of either cussing or backing out slowly (this IS New York). They both get out, he follows her to the Subway. Some stupid thing about picking up lucky pennies and it is now the next day. J-Lo and sister at the open air market looking at shit. She sees him at a stall. Makes sense in a city of about 8 million people. He is a dairy farmer who makes goat cheese. Of course he is. They flirt. He pursues her by finding her pet shop, they make a date.
Seconds before he is to arrive, she decides it's a good time to take the pregnancy test. As the doorbell rings and she realizes "Oh shit, right I made a date with creepy, goat teat pulling guy", she drops the test and the dog eats it. Ehh?...Ehh? That's good writing. So she goes on the date in a public park with a romantic table setting and wine and stupid, stupid conversation and ends up setting fire to it all. For real people! At her door they kiss and he invites her to spend the weekend up at his dairy farm. Of course he does. She says yes, walks into her house and discovers...GASP! The test smothered in her dog's puke reads positive!!!!!
So she goes to his farm, and they have a typical rom-com moment (sorry, bad rom-com moment). It's when she plucks up the nerve to tell him she's pregnant. "I have something to tell you." "Wait, before you do, let me show you something." He opens up his barn full of cheese, and there are candles lit everywhere like it's a romantic restaurant for fromage. Then they do it. In a barn full of cheese. Cool off ladies. Then ma gurl turns to me and reminds me why she's ma gurl, "This is fucking stupid do you want to go?" YYYYESH!! Went to Guest Services, said I had an emergency and had to go, got two free passes, and bounced. First and only movie I've ever walked out on. Went down to the lake and smoked a joint by Ontario Place. All in all a great night. Got to hang out with ma gurl and smoke a joint, and got something new to complain about. Not much else you can ask for.
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