My thumbs are buried...

So me and ma gurl have been frequenting the local moving pictures lately and have seen all manner of Hollywood fare guaranteed to entertain, enlighten, and dare I say, allow consumption of mass amounts of overpriced concessions before the previews have ended. We've embarked on the Kick-Ass journey and both believed it to be indeed kick-ass. We've viewed Date Night, on a date night, and the coincidence still tickles us. We've even seen Death at a Funeral which should be retitled: James Marsden on acid surrounded by sad black people. But the "film" I am going to tell you about right now is one that I can honestly say is the worst movie I have ever gone to the theatre to see, EVER. And I have seen Police Academy 6: City Under Siege. This movie is entitled: The Back-Up Plan. (Should be called The WACK-Up Plan. Yeeeah nice).

Let's begin the review of this J-Lo vehicle at the beginning. Oh and spoiler alert, I am going to seriously ruin this for you. Well, at least the first 34 minutes because that's all I actually saw. Besides, if you wanted to go see this, either read this or throw $12 directly into a Slap-Chop. Save yourself the gas money.

J-Lo needs a baby!!!! Apparently, she is a hideous dog-faced Latina with absolutely NO prospects at all?! Livin' in New York as all those sad incredibly hot spinsters do, bein' a great person, friend, aunt, and having a lot of integrity as well. See, she used to be high on the corporate ladder, an exec somewhere making large coin, but had an epiphany or some such and now she owns and operates her own Pet Shop. AWWWWWW!! You can totally see why she's single. Who the fuck wants that?! She also has a pet dog who gets around on a two-wheeled contraption because his back legs are useless. Much like this premise, ha-HA! The dog's name is scrappy, or rollie, or Stephen Hawking or something. Best character in this.

She's also got a sister who has like 146 kids or some shit, just running around in the scenes they're in, being complete bullshit children. As her sister is preparing a chicken for dinner, the bastards just grab it, raw and all, and book. This is just bad parenting. Anyhoo, Opening shot is of J-Lo's feet, in stirrups, getting basted by creepy doctor. She's lamenting on the fact that she hadn't had a pedicure before getting impregnated. This is where the script is taking us. A two second idea needing dialogue to fill 90 mins. I am hitting the keys very hard right now.

So she gets out of the clinic and hits the street. She sees a baby carriage and bends down to say "hi baby" and the woman pushing it yells "get away from me!" and goes on. Amen sister. The only laugh that escaped me. She's gotta go to her Pet Shop which is always empty. How does she afford any of this shit? But, yet she manages to get Cesar Milan in as a guest speaker a little later on. Completely makes sense. Blah, blah, blah, boring dialogue, stupid jokes, and now she is somewhere and has to get somewhere else, she's gotta catch a cab, so she does...

The Meet Cute. She gets in a cab, he gets in on the other side. Could happen. Instantly in love because their fighting over the cab sweetly and friendly instead of either cussing or backing out slowly (this IS New York). They both get out, he follows her to the Subway. Some stupid thing about picking up lucky pennies and it is now the next day. J-Lo and sister at the open air market looking at shit. She sees him at a stall. Makes sense in a city of about 8 million people. He is a dairy farmer who makes goat cheese. Of course he is. They flirt. He pursues her by finding her pet shop, they make a date.

Seconds before he is to arrive, she decides it's a good time to take the pregnancy test. As the doorbell rings and she realizes "Oh shit, right I made a date with creepy, goat teat pulling guy", she drops the test and the dog eats it. Ehh?...Ehh? That's good writing. So she goes on the date in a public park with a romantic table setting and wine and stupid, stupid conversation and ends up setting fire to it all. For real people! At her door they kiss and he invites her to spend the weekend up at his dairy farm. Of course he does. She says yes, walks into her house and discovers...GASP! The test smothered in her dog's puke reads positive!!!!!

So she goes to his farm, and they have a typical rom-com moment (sorry, bad rom-com moment). It's when she plucks up the nerve to tell him she's pregnant. "I have something to tell you." "Wait, before you do, let me show you something." He opens up his barn full of cheese, and there are candles lit everywhere like it's a romantic restaurant for fromage. Then they do it. In a barn full of cheese. Cool off ladies. Then ma gurl turns to me and reminds me why she's ma gurl, "This is fucking stupid do you want to go?" YYYYESH!! Went to Guest Services, said I had an emergency and had to go, got two free passes, and bounced. First and only movie I've ever walked out on. Went down to the lake and smoked a joint by Ontario Place. All in all a great night. Got to hang out with ma gurl and smoke a joint, and got something new to complain about. Not much else you can ask for.