Who knew porn was that scary?

It's Friday night. The curtains are drawn and the angry rain outside provides an eerie soundtrack adding pathetic fallacy to any events forthcoming. A solitary light is on in the house but is situated in an area so far from ours that it is rendered almost redundant. There is a cold beer on a coaster and a hot girl on the couch. It's movie time. Scary movie time. On demand, what you got?

Actually, all of this happened on a Saturday afternoon. But the movie we were about to watch made the above atmosphere feel oh so real. I am a self confessed wuss when it comes to the horror films (you may notice their absence in my upcoming movie review posts henceforth to be called "Talkin' 'bout Talkies." Incidentally, stay tuned to my 17 part series about the Golden Age of Silent Cinema: "Mimin' 'bout Muties.") so the mere idea of viewing this film, a film I had tried very hard to ignore, held no appeal whatsoever. Baby Girl hit the menu, found the flick, and pressed the button. Ladies and Gentlemen, Paranormal Activity.

Ghosts. Pant-poopingly terrifying.

Now to be honest, when the lady decided (read demanded) that we watch this, I was a little anxious. We had just finished watching what we both agreed to be one of the better movies we had seen in some time (Youth in Revolt, fucking brilliant!), and to switch gears to something that different was a bit disconcerting. I mean 90 minutes of Michael Cera and then on to demons is like finishing a fantastic meal with the waiter kicking you in the balls. But after the pleas and the begging and then the usual threats of bodily violence, I benevolently gave in and watched her select this blockbusting scarefest and sat back to drink in the terror.

Well, 10 minutes in, the word "meh" became an internal mantra staving off perhaps thoughts and feelings of impending girlish screams sure to allow her full licence to confiscate my man card. It's actually quite funny, I'm sure, to watch a dude try to manifest swagger while laying on a couch.

No, not really.

That being said, day turned to night in this indie flick, and hands crept closer to face.

Let it be said that as a concept, this movie is extremely effective. It is very Blair Witchy in it's "Oh this is a true story (wink, wink)" and it did scare certain bejesuses out of me, but as a movie, it kind of fell flat. At least for me. I was too busy worrying about what was going to happen to dwell on the really scary thing: the acting. Well, I dwelled a little. Here we go.

The whole thing looks like a high-class porno. From the characters trying to act as if they are normal and yet smacking of more effort than that asshole kid in class who always has his hand up, to the framing and camera movements asking us to truly believe that people who are doing the things they are doing, and experiencing the things they are experiencing, have time and presence of mind to always pick up the damn camera and start turning over. I half expected the "demon" to be a wayward pizza delivery-boy who will come in for a nice glass of lemonade thank you very much. Even though he could lose his job.

Extra sausage.

Either way, the horrendous acting aside, and also the fact that as the movie went on (a movie she promptly fell asleep halfway through leaving me to fend for myself should some shit go down) you actually want to see some scary happenings because these characters are annoying as shit, the way that tension and the camera were being used, made me understand the trailer with all those movie goers being shocked and the terror on their faces. You stare at the screen...and stare...and stare...taking in every piece of the bedroom. Waiting for something to happen. Hoping for a little fright. Not understanding exactly what all the hype was abouUHHTHEDOORJUSTMOVED!!!!! What the fuck was that? I didn't see that comiUMMMITJUSTMOVEDBACK!!!!! This technique is very effective on people like me. Never before has a four inch movement of a door made me almost urinate. And then when she gets up and stares at the dude for HOURS!?!?!? That's effed yo. That is scary. I don't care who you are. When I move in with a girl now, damn her feelings, we're gonna seriously discuss my own room with a lock.

Overall, I'll be as truthful as possible. It's not really my type of film, but you have to respect the idea of it, and the fact that it can make powder footprints and the ominous flicking on and off of a light pretty terrifying. I am sure that it has little to no replay value but hey they got a another one coming out now. I hope she falls asleep during that one too. These movies murder my ego.




Hold me...