Grinning I've been looking inside to try and figure out why, at 32 years old, do I feel like I am in the position that I am in. Occupationally, emotionally, and relationshipally (new word, called it! Screw you squiggily red line). All this potential and nothing to really show for it. No piece of paper from a post secondary, no job geared toward creativity, a bunch of failed romances in the rear-view. Why has this happened? Where did I go wrong? How could I have let all these people down? Is there seriously something wrong with me? To talk to others they would say yes to the last one. I'm not making progress and I'm not doing what I should be doing and not in the manner in which I should be doing it. That's called motivation. That's encouragement from the people I love and respect.
So obviously I'm letting people down at an alarming rate. I've lost relationships with girlfriends and even best friends because of my shortcomings. I've lost apartments and jobs because of my lack of motivation and hard-work and it is unquestionably all my fault. I need to suck it up, work harder and do exactly what other people should say I should. I should be sure to follow all the steps that have made them such huge successes in their lives and to do anything less would be folly and would bring shame upon them. I've lost respect from family members, lovers, and myself for never being able to live up to their expectations. My God, what a failure I've been.
So I guess I should just work harder and refocus my life. I mean, even if I'm unhappy, at least I'll be able to please those around me for a short period of time, right? I need to just bite the bullet and remember all those expectations put on me since I was in elementary school and live up to them already. That's the true path to respect, happiness, and contentment.
Fuck that! And if you have ever fallen into any of those demographics that were mentioned before, fuck you too. I know who I am. I know what I'm capable of. And apparently, I'm not quite sure yet where I fit in. I've spent so much time figuring out that I would like to try and be a good brother, son, friend, boyfriend, worker, and human before I solve the age old problem of finding the perfect way to unleash all of this potential. What started off as probably well-meaning quasi-encouragement has become a stifling anchor that is slowly drowning me. And I just took it off. And now I'm mad. Like the Hulk. And at this point, you won't like me when I'm angry. But what's important is that I will. And I do. And congratulations all you people, I am now going to be selfish. Sorry I can't make it to that thing on the weekend. Doing me right now. No time for date night, doing me right now. Oh you have an idea about what I should do to better my life. Cool, I'll be over in about 3 years to discuss it. This is what you wanted right? Well, Happy Fucking Birthday.
Please understand that this is good anger because it feels justified and is not hurting anybody. Well, not any more than how much the other things have been hurting me for over 20 years. And I'm sorry if this is looked upon as a negative piece. Believe me, it's as positive as it gets. And I'm getting happier. It seems like the only attention I had been getting from people I loved and respected for a long time has been criticism and judgment on how I live my life. No more. That's called empowerment and hope. It may not jive with your life or expectations but hey, maybe we don't jive as people. Period.
Love to all that have only given advice when it has been sought, and allowed me to experience their love before their misgivings and judgment. You know who you are. If not, if you are reading this, then you belong in this group. I hope I haven't let you down too much. But if you really feel that you want the best for me and always have, this should make you happy. Because I am. Or at least I'm trying. I actually always have been. But now it's for me. And only me.
See you next time...with a smile on my face
So obviously I'm letting people down at an alarming rate. I've lost relationships with girlfriends and even best friends because of my shortcomings. I've lost apartments and jobs because of my lack of motivation and hard-work and it is unquestionably all my fault. I need to suck it up, work harder and do exactly what other people should say I should. I should be sure to follow all the steps that have made them such huge successes in their lives and to do anything less would be folly and would bring shame upon them. I've lost respect from family members, lovers, and myself for never being able to live up to their expectations. My God, what a failure I've been.
So I guess I should just work harder and refocus my life. I mean, even if I'm unhappy, at least I'll be able to please those around me for a short period of time, right? I need to just bite the bullet and remember all those expectations put on me since I was in elementary school and live up to them already. That's the true path to respect, happiness, and contentment.
Fuck that! And if you have ever fallen into any of those demographics that were mentioned before, fuck you too. I know who I am. I know what I'm capable of. And apparently, I'm not quite sure yet where I fit in. I've spent so much time figuring out that I would like to try and be a good brother, son, friend, boyfriend, worker, and human before I solve the age old problem of finding the perfect way to unleash all of this potential. What started off as probably well-meaning quasi-encouragement has become a stifling anchor that is slowly drowning me. And I just took it off. And now I'm mad. Like the Hulk. And at this point, you won't like me when I'm angry. But what's important is that I will. And I do. And congratulations all you people, I am now going to be selfish. Sorry I can't make it to that thing on the weekend. Doing me right now. No time for date night, doing me right now. Oh you have an idea about what I should do to better my life. Cool, I'll be over in about 3 years to discuss it. This is what you wanted right? Well, Happy Fucking Birthday.
Please understand that this is good anger because it feels justified and is not hurting anybody. Well, not any more than how much the other things have been hurting me for over 20 years. And I'm sorry if this is looked upon as a negative piece. Believe me, it's as positive as it gets. And I'm getting happier. It seems like the only attention I had been getting from people I loved and respected for a long time has been criticism and judgment on how I live my life. No more. That's called empowerment and hope. It may not jive with your life or expectations but hey, maybe we don't jive as people. Period.
Love to all that have only given advice when it has been sought, and allowed me to experience their love before their misgivings and judgment. You know who you are. If not, if you are reading this, then you belong in this group. I hope I haven't let you down too much. But if you really feel that you want the best for me and always have, this should make you happy. Because I am. Or at least I'm trying. I actually always have been. But now it's for me. And only me.
See you next time...with a smile on my face
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