Playin' the role...

Temperature: 13 Celsius
Mood: Tired (sick and)
Shower Song: Maybe Tomorrow by The Jackson 5

So you like a girl. You think she likes you back. Or, you had a girl. It's done now. But, you didn't want it to be. But against your will, it is. Or you think that a girl might like you. If only she could see a certain part of you. So, in all cases, you try to create a persona and a behavior that is FAR from what is really going on in your head and consequently, FAR from who you really are at this particular time. Some would call it game. Some would call it swagger. No matter what people would call it, It all adds up to the same thing. It ain't you. Not you right now.

It's a very harrowing thing to realize that you are completely acting like someone you are not. Especially in the midst of your actions. Depending on the situation, you hype yourself up to act a certain way to get a result. But, that's the key. You have to get a result. The result you want. If the outcome falls short, or doesn't occur in the way you envisioned, not only are you frustrated and confused, you are ashamed of the way you allowed yourself to alter what you had worked so hard to define. Namely, yourself.

These moments. These changes brought about by bouts of sheer desperation, or perhaps, advice from those who care and want to help but cannot relate at THEIR particular time, can break someone and leave you completely torn and lost. It's probably the last resort. It's probably the easiest way. But without the happy ending, the futility is gargantuan. Even with the most successful denouement, it leaves you with a missing piece. Something fraudulent has happened. Something lacking realness. Something hollow and empty. Should it really be this way?

Everybody would definitely say no. It should be organic and nature should obviously take it's course. The person should like you for you and other such cliches. Just be yourself and things will work out. But who are you? In everyday life when things are fucking great, you know exactly who you are. And who you are is just fine, thanks. If it weren't, why would things be so good. You confirm your essence by how things around you are. If everything is wicked-awesome, guess what you are? And you ride that feeling and your definition is that you are gettin' it right. You got the secret. You know the game, and better yet, you're winning.

But then you start losing. Things start to change. What then?

It's when we lose, when we find ourselves without answers, without direction, and without a reason, that our test begins. We scramble and ingest advice and counsel from people who are in a completely different state than ours. Not because we want to, but because that's all we got, now that we don't trust ourselves and who we thought we were. The problem is that the only person that can figure it out, is you. You. That's it. All actions, all permutations of you, are an elaborate guise to achieve what is necessary at that particular time, when, in actuality, it's an incredibly unfulfilling siege that leaves you broken and fragmented.

The victory is attained when you come to terms with the fact that the only way to accomplish the happiness, the contentment, the result sought, is to trust yourself and your character. Think about who you are, and more importantly, who you want to be. It's in these times that we should be grateful that we are who we are. That we know the person we know. That we be the person we be. In good times, we think very little about who or what we are because things are working out. We just enjoy the fruits. It's in the worst of times, we become defined, we become whole, we recognize who we really are. We should grasp these opportunities, even though they suck, to rediscover ourselves and realize that no amount of posturing or disguising will bring any prolonged or substantial satisfaction. It only comes with our truth. And as frustrated and impatient as we may become, it is the only route to what we are really trying to accomplish. Nothing real is achieved from acting. And if it isn't real, it's not worth it.



*doesn't have anything to do with the narrative, but this song is ridiculous!