A stream-of-(semi) conciousness...

(Just a point right off the bat. I'm going to just write for as long as I feel I want to with no fixing, editing, or spell checking. This may not be perfect, but it is my mind on your screen. By the way, I don't have a problem. This is merely an experiment and an isolated incident.)

As some of you mey know, I am working the night shift now and because of the hours my shift demands of me, I have no ther time to drink but in the morinings. And again, by drink , I mean, have a couple of beers. However, for the purpose of this piece I have imbibed four flagons of ale (a florgon!) and have decided to wirte to you in this state of mind with no edits or safety net. Here's what's on my mind right now.

I remember when subawy had two kinds of bread. Brown or white. Sounds racist to me but still. And now they have many . Some with cheese on it! My question is : What person still only chooses one of those two? If I go into a subway, I chose the bread that looks the least like bread. Oh yeah, the oregano cheese with chocolate icing one is the best!

You want to know the problem with over population is? Gravity! Seriously. Look at all the sky we have. It's a real estaters wet dream.

I'm not saying I do this but hads anyone checked to see if boogers have any nutritional value? If they do, dieting is going to get a whole lot more disgusting.

Today I used the terms "Riff-Raff" and "Ruffians: at two completely different times of the day. Aging is catching up with me. Or I need to go to better places. Keep thise whipper-snappewrs away.

We can make so many different things fly these days. Why not people? Why hasn't anyone even tried?

Seriously, Glee. Is it that good? I have no idea and I want to know. I feel totally out of the loop one this one.

I don';t like streak these days. It's weird. I know it's meat. But I'm not down. Is that wrong? Answer: yea.

I weant to learn siugn language but I think if I do, I'll just spend all my time looking for deaf people to impress them.

You don;t really have to walk a mile in someones shoes to know if the reason they're unhappy is because theyre shoes are uncomfortable. Just a couple of steps.

What the fuck is up with the letter Y in french>? It seems that the french alphabet is pretty much like our own and pretty understandable until you reach Y. Then you get EEGREKT! or whatever it is. Are they trying to be fancy and remind us that this is a completely different language just in case we forgot, or are they trying to make the anglophoines sound stupid. Either way, poutine is awesome.

How hard is it to end a convorsation when you're texting. it seems that anything anyone writes is repliable. And if you do end it it asounsds cold and mean. Then you have to pivk up the phone to make sure they arent' mad or offended. Weird time yo.

Is the plural of bluetooth, bluetooths or blueteeth? The red, squiggly line says it's blueteeth. Whatever it is use it when you're bicycling. But if you have more than one in your ears you';re a bag of douche.

I doin't trust dolphins. I am suspicious of any animal that gets along well with huans and isn't afraid of us. What are they hiding? Are we just a joke to them. Like "Hey Murray the Dolphin, I just had a dumbass human on my back when I was in Cancun. It's going to really surprise them when we take over eh?" The other dolphin replies, "Yeah it will Larry the Dolphin, I'm just watching and waiting." That shit goes for chimps too.

Why does no teapot pour prop-erly? Shit pisses me off. And makes me sound weird.

I gotta pee.

I'm bsack now. That was great.

I'm tired. Sleep now.

You guys. You are the guys.

Finally, some balance...

With all of the media today and the constant bombardment of opinion and "insight" we are routinely subjected to, it's extremely easy to be influenced by the impressively loud majority. They seem to have been able to make us think what they want and we feel there is no problem in doing or feeling that what they say is right. They're tactics are to inundate us, convince us, and then drive their points home by bludgeoning us over the head with a loop-like, repetitive dirge of their "facts" and expertise. Well I call bullshit. They are just a group of individuals who, by the way, very rarely know more about your opinions and leanings than you, another individual, do. I unfortunately have fallen victim to this sheep like mentality as I am, I lament, only human. Therefore, I am making a conscious effort to allow myself my own thoughts on things the pundits feel I should be only beholden to them on (weird sentence). So I made a list of my own beliefs, as trivial as they may be. Hey, get off my back. At least I made a list. What have you done?!

Overrated
Thinking Globally

Underrated
Acting Locally

Overrated
Paris Hilton
Underrated
Paris, Ontario

Overrated
Fluorescent Bulbs
Underrated
Turning off the Lights

Overrated
Diamonds
Underrated
Lou Diamond Phillips

Overrated
Die Hard
Underrated
Die Hard III (I'm gonna catch some shit for this one)

Overrated

Radiohead
Underrated
Radiohead

Overrated
Politics
Underrated
Reason

Overrated
Dane Cook
Underrated
Louis C.K.

Overrated
Jogging
Underrated
Walking

Overrated
Sex
Underrated
Sex with Another Person

Overrated
Twilight
Underrated
Reading anything, ANYTHING else

Overrated
Global Warming
Underrated
More Ice Cream

Overrated
Tropical Beaches
Underrated
Cottage Shorelines

Overrated
Weeds
Underrated
Smokin' dem shits

Overrated
Rap
Underrated
Hip Hop

Overrated
Lobster...
Underrated
...with Black Bean Sauce


I am finished. For now. As time passes, more things may lodge themselves in my craw-like craw. But for now, I leave you. Goodnight, and Good Luck.

I haz no wrds...

wen I wz n skul, my favorite subjec wz alwys eng. Math wz n gud, NE of d sciences didnt rly intRSt me, & of corS NE foreign lngwij corSz mAd me tres bored et tired (som shit stil stuck though). My most anticipated claS wz alwys d 1 n whch we rOt, rED, & 4 lack of a BetA wrd, celebrated d eng lngwij & aL of itz 1Drz. rEDN & writiN wer latched onto v earlE n my Lyf & I cn remMbR bn complEtlE smitN w d process & journey dat dEz two literary skiLz presntD. ther4, I dedicate DIS piece 2 d 404 lngwij & d 4gottn, BUTful vehicle of cmUnik8shn, b it verbal o visual, dat we hav aL Bin blessed n knON. @ lEst 4 a brief period.

It iz @ DIS tym I apologize. I do hav a point...

I sEmz dat n DIS prticulr tym period, 1 we hav Bin LckE Enuf 2 b existing n 2day, ppl hav btrayD our own lngwij 4 d qix & EZ form of txt spk. I, 4 1, cn undRstNd dat n d hustle & bustle of everyday Lyf, ppl hav tngz 2 sA & dey nEd 2 sA dem qix, w/o NE flourish o embellishment. It iz un4tuN8ly d way of d wrld & since weve aL decided 2 live Lyf n a huge goddamn hurry, ther iz nary a split-second unaccounted 4. evrtng iz condensed & L w/o fEln & mEng. & vowLZ? fuck vowLz! hu nEdz dem?

"Dammit! jst az I wz getin mo included!"

itz true dat evry lngwij goes Thru an evolution & somwot of a progression throughout history. I mean we dun spk n ye olde engish NEmor do we? bt doesnt progrS mean 4ward motion o an uphill ascension? Shouldn't our lngwijz bcum mo pleasing & dynamic insted of mo anoyN & EZ? o mAbE it shud bcum mo convenient. Im suR Tolstoy wshD it c%d hav Bin.

DIS iz a lng (_!_) buk!

It jst disappoints me 2 knO dat f tngz cArE on DIS way, DIS iz whr eng wiL eventually wind ^. jst tink how mind-numbingly anoyN it wz 2 rED DIS entire post. Imagine rEDN a whol buk lIk DIS (Twilight iz close) & magazines, o ads, o Miranda rghtz. wot wiL bcum of our mum Tongue?

We nEd 2 b a ltl mo vigilant wen it cumz 2 d tngz dat R important 2 us dEz dAz especalE. f we dun dey wiL b takN awA & we wiL jst lose cite of dem 4e. Imagine, f U wiL, d v thawt of grabbing a drink, sitN dwn & relaxing, & havN 2 rED DIS shit 4 200 pgz.

Literature.

wer aL faLN jst a bit t% fst & we nEd 2 slO dwn. We nEd 2 express ourselves propRlE az much az posebL so we dun bcum :)~ idiots hu dun evN Laff NEmor, we jst LOL. How we communicate iz an extremely important & identifying trait & nEdz 2 b protekD & revered. especalE swears. thOs R f'n motherfucking delicious 2 sA (& typ bitches!!!) letz git bak 2 our lngwij. letz wrte it, rED it, & luv it jst lIk we did bak wen we 1st LernD 2 do aL 3. I jst hOp we cn do it. othRwIz, tombstones wiL lose aL solemnity, d ABC wiL contaN symbols, & ppl lIk Ke$ha wiL L%k lIk geniuses. U hEr me ppl?!?!? GENIUSES!!!

1 luv

The first day of sick...

I'm not feeling well today. Nor yesterday. Even more nor the day before. Unintentional rhyming aside, it's uncanny. It's like as soon as Labour day comes and goes, I know there is about a week of me being ill (not the good hip-hop kind either). I know there are two times a year I get sick. Summerintofall and Winterintospring. Two times where I know to make sure I got crackers and ginger ale. This is my medicine. Luckily my place of employment allows for sick time. This is key because I just sleep. And sleep. And sleep. And slzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, dozed off again. I'm feeling a little more refreshed now but still struggling. This blowing wind seems to be aiming for my nose which has become some sort of faucet.

My nose. From Parker Brothers.

It is my favourite time of year however. I guess now that there is no school to go back to, Autumn makes for a very different season. The change in weather from patios to sweaters notwithstanding, the Fall is one of those blocks of months that I call a transition season. It is the bridge from effing hot to effing cold and is a huge reminder that there is beauty to behold even in the death of millions of living things. It is like a fantastic annual genocide that fills one's life with wonder and raking. Some people even make the changing of the foliage a road trip vacation and migrate to places far, far away just to see leaves that aren't green anymore.

Disneyworld.

In any event, the cold is now upon us. Coats are being brought out and long johns are being reinstated. I'm prepared, or will be once this bug has been slept away and drowned with Canada Dry. So bring on Thanksgiving, Halloween, and then yes, Christmas. I'm looking forward to it. The anticipation is electric. I can barely contain my excitzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

This is udderly depressing...

You know what sucks? I'll tell you what sucks. I think I'm becoming Lactose Intolerant. I just looked it up, and apparently it's possible.

The teats that rocks my insides.

Now this is not a for sure, but the very thought of it makes me angry. I'm very aware that as time progresses, more and more things may be taken away. I mean, there will come a time when each of us will become breathing intolerant. Regardless, this is my favourite food group. What am I gonna do without dairy. It just doesn't seem right. I can't put Rice Dream in my Tea. I can't have soy milk on my Fruity Pebbles. I'm not dippin Oreos into Lactaid. I won't! I refuse! Maybe I need a support group. I guess it's just black coffee at those meetings. Either way, for the first time in my life I have to pay special attention to what I ingest. Thanks loads body. And to think of all those times I made you drunk. There's gratitude for you.

Hand Sanitizer will save us all...

My Lord and Lady Jeezus, what a bunch of wusses we've all become. How paranoid and fearful is the human race today. What kind of cowardly, misguided, and especially and unequivocally neurotic species hath these days and times wrought?

Us. Except for the being dead part.

Now, I say this with great love and affection for the particular group of mammals I've been lucky enough to be born into. But, seriously, we're all getting a little strange.

I am of the age now (I just recently came to terms with) where I can take a significant look back and see just how different things are from when I was a wee lad. It's a lot easier to do so in this age of things changing on an almost daily basis. In a few years there may be infants actually longing for the good old days. One thing I remember was that there was really no HUGE problem with dirt and germs. Dirt wasn't exactly welcomed in the house or applied as some sort of cheap make-up substitute, but it was dirt. You get dirty, you washed (with plain old soap) and then you were clean, and ready to get dirty again.

Dirty, not Dirrrty. One R is fine thank you.

Same thing with germs. You would go to school, play with the kid with the cold, get the cold, stay home, get better, go back to school and play with the kid with the flu. These situations, while not particularly pleasant, were a part of growing up and made us stronger, building up a more powerful constitution to fight off future illnesses. They all served to strengthen the body, build character, and maybe even provide a modicum of mental toughness whereby we trusted our body to fight off the bugs as opposed to relying on the medicinal concoctions created by the ever trustworthy pharmaceutical corporations.

I like to be clean just as much as the next guy (unless the next guy is homeless. Then, decidedly more so.), but ever since we started going mad with this anti-bacterial craze, doesn't it seem like there are more and more super viruses out there? When I was growing up there was Cancer. That's it. Polio had been cured. Diabetes was somewhat under control and Penicillin was the shit.

Whassup now, Insulin?!

Now we got, West Nile, SARS, H1-N1, and even fucking Tuberculosis is coming back. Tuberculosis!!!! You know who one of the people who died from that was? Doc Holliday.

This guy. At this time.

How is it that the more insanely we worry and obsess about super clean and uber germ-free, the sicker we all seem to become? I guess it's another trend that will have us all in Haz-Mat suits before long.

I can understand that there is a lot of fear out there about illnesses and disease and it seems that everyone is sick in some way or another. But seriously, our lifestyles consist now of not touching anything and using more and more powerful, DAMAGING, substances to keep us pristine. It's a losing battle for no one is an island. And you know, it's probably better that way. Next time you're sick, stay home if you can and let the body work it's magic. Use orange juice and ginger ale as opposed to cough syrups and pills. And sleep. Rest. That's how you fight it off. Stop sanitizing so much. You're becoming weaker as a result. And I'm not a doctor. Just a very invested observer. I care therefore I rant. So shake a hand, tie a shoelace, and just once a day, grab the handle of the bathroom door as you leave. It may feel gross at the time, but that will lead to empowerment. I'm almost positive. And hey if I'm wrong, guess who's gettin' balloons for their hospital room? That's right slugger. You. From this guy.

Be well. And be sane.