Yeah I'll stand on guard for thee...all my shit's here anyway

Patriotism. What is it? What does it mean? Who gets it right? Where are my pants? All very valid and complicated questions. Also, these are questions I believe the masses should maybe invest a little more time in solving. For most, it seems to be a very simple and straightforward concept. They seem to grasp the ideal and run with it because they feel the have to. They raise flags, sing anthems, and pledge allegiances so as not to upset the apple cart. A fallacy methinks and a dangerous one at that.

Now, before I continue, let me just say that I am a very happy and content individual to have been born and bred in possibly one of the best countries on the planet. The atmosphere is pretty non-stressful, the people and their ideals are second to none, the weather is eclectic and character building, and the taxes, though steep, provide a very strong and responsible infrastructure for a healthy and tolerant existence. So overall, I'm very happy. Proud, not really. Incredibly lucky? You betcha. I'm lucky to have been born here. To be able to reside and grow here. But all the above perks of living in Canada had very little to do with me. Almost zero (taxes notwithstanding). So, how can I really be proud?

Pride, for me anyway, comes from a sense of personal accomplishment. If I created the first leopard print Snuggie or some sort of Giraffe turtleneck, then yes, I would be peacocking on a regular basis (and with good reason!). But to say I'm proud to be Canadian? No, sir. Sorry. Pride just isn't the right word. I'm happy that I'm Canadian. I most likely wouldn't want to be anything else when it comes to countries of origin. But pride has nothing to do with it. Luck and serendipity do. (Serendipity do! That's fun to say.)

Why do you have to automatically be proud of where you're from? Why do you have to represent without question? This blinds you from seeing the things that are wrong, need changing, and could make the place you're from so much better. The way some Canadians carry on about how they think Canadians should be as "patriotic" as Americans are baffles me. Why? What should they be so proud about? The decline of their country? The ignorant way their citizens are treated by their government? Being a powerful and influential country that fucks things up on the regular? Put the flags down, halt the parades, extinguish the fireworks, and make things better. That's true patriotism. If you love your country, help her out. I know people who's main sense of country pride lies in the sunny beaches and warm climate of their home country. Never mind that the children carry uzis and that the poverty rate is upwards of 80%. Hey we've got palm trees. Look at them! I'm wearing shorts in February!! What a paradise. Or places where the history is eons old. Just look at our old churches! Shame that our subtle racism is alienating almost half our population now. But churches look! Old ones!!

Come on people. What's with all of this misplaced pride and swagger? Is it overcompensation? Or maybe it's segregated societies needing something to feel overly good about. Let's try a little humility for a change. It's more fundamentally human and it definitely affects more positive changes. If you need to take pride in something, take pride in the pursuit of making the countries we love into what they can be. Let's take pride in the differences we've made and problems we've corrected not just because of our geographical station. That's my definition of patriotism. Where even the smallest contribution should be worthy of a flag wave or two. Let's show the world what great places we've made of our countries because we're happy and we care. Now that's true patriot love. That would be something to be proud of.

Good night, sweet squirrel...

(Coming home for Thanksgiving on Monday, I accidentally hit a squirrel while driving and ended his life. Regardless of all the road kill I have observed over the years, this was the first and only time I had contributed to the pavement graveyard. It's still affecting me. Therefore, this is a eulogy to the poor, unfortunate animal I sent off to rodent heaven.)

Dear Mordecai (this is what I named him),

I write this and you are gone. Please understand that it was never my intention to end your time on this plane of existence. Your life and being was just as important as mine and I believe that your stature and lack of understanding of large motor vehicles and the destruction they can cause was neither your fault nor your responsibility. I only wish you had thought better of dashing across Finch Avenue just as my car was proceeding eastward.

I can't say I know why you did this. I like to think that it was the actions of an animal who was at the end of his rope. I like to think that it was an intentional move spurred on by an unhappy life, maybe a tumultuous existence, or perhaps a depressing time of year (the holidays can be rough on us all). At least then I could envision that my unintentional snuffing out of your acorn gathering life was not so much a tragedy but a cure for your sadness. The fluffy tail sometimes does not tell the full story and although the sadness this scenario evokes is still very substantial, I might be able to come to terms with the fact that I might have helped in some small way. If this is the case I guess I can be happy that even though I warned you from the inside of my vehicle: "Fuck off squirrel. Don't do it idiot. Don't...don't...DON"T. AHHH you little fucker!", you still chose me to be your rescuer from the torment of life in the trees.

All this being said Mordecai, I wish you a peaceful, restful afterlife. May the place your little soul has been carried to be free from dogs and other strange and pointless predators. May the nuts flow like wine and the treetops be tall and branchy. May winter never come and summer never leave. And may the opportunity to run up to the side of any road, pause for a second, wait for a car to come along to kill you, run out underneath it's tires, make the driver a murderer, and end up the main ingredient in a redneck's thanksgiving stew, never appear. May your rolling carcass on the road continue the journey up to paradise.

I'm sorry my furry friend. Farewell and Goodbye.

P.S.

My car is now making a fucked up noise and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with your skull bouncing off my undercarriage you little bastard!

Mordecai the idiot
?-2010

A stream-of-(semi) conciousness...

(Just a point right off the bat. I'm going to just write for as long as I feel I want to with no fixing, editing, or spell checking. This may not be perfect, but it is my mind on your screen. By the way, I don't have a problem. This is merely an experiment and an isolated incident.)

As some of you mey know, I am working the night shift now and because of the hours my shift demands of me, I have no ther time to drink but in the morinings. And again, by drink , I mean, have a couple of beers. However, for the purpose of this piece I have imbibed four flagons of ale (a florgon!) and have decided to wirte to you in this state of mind with no edits or safety net. Here's what's on my mind right now.

I remember when subawy had two kinds of bread. Brown or white. Sounds racist to me but still. And now they have many . Some with cheese on it! My question is : What person still only chooses one of those two? If I go into a subway, I chose the bread that looks the least like bread. Oh yeah, the oregano cheese with chocolate icing one is the best!

You want to know the problem with over population is? Gravity! Seriously. Look at all the sky we have. It's a real estaters wet dream.

I'm not saying I do this but hads anyone checked to see if boogers have any nutritional value? If they do, dieting is going to get a whole lot more disgusting.

Today I used the terms "Riff-Raff" and "Ruffians: at two completely different times of the day. Aging is catching up with me. Or I need to go to better places. Keep thise whipper-snappewrs away.

We can make so many different things fly these days. Why not people? Why hasn't anyone even tried?

Seriously, Glee. Is it that good? I have no idea and I want to know. I feel totally out of the loop one this one.

I don';t like streak these days. It's weird. I know it's meat. But I'm not down. Is that wrong? Answer: yea.

I weant to learn siugn language but I think if I do, I'll just spend all my time looking for deaf people to impress them.

You don;t really have to walk a mile in someones shoes to know if the reason they're unhappy is because theyre shoes are uncomfortable. Just a couple of steps.

What the fuck is up with the letter Y in french>? It seems that the french alphabet is pretty much like our own and pretty understandable until you reach Y. Then you get EEGREKT! or whatever it is. Are they trying to be fancy and remind us that this is a completely different language just in case we forgot, or are they trying to make the anglophoines sound stupid. Either way, poutine is awesome.

How hard is it to end a convorsation when you're texting. it seems that anything anyone writes is repliable. And if you do end it it asounsds cold and mean. Then you have to pivk up the phone to make sure they arent' mad or offended. Weird time yo.

Is the plural of bluetooth, bluetooths or blueteeth? The red, squiggly line says it's blueteeth. Whatever it is use it when you're bicycling. But if you have more than one in your ears you';re a bag of douche.

I doin't trust dolphins. I am suspicious of any animal that gets along well with huans and isn't afraid of us. What are they hiding? Are we just a joke to them. Like "Hey Murray the Dolphin, I just had a dumbass human on my back when I was in Cancun. It's going to really surprise them when we take over eh?" The other dolphin replies, "Yeah it will Larry the Dolphin, I'm just watching and waiting." That shit goes for chimps too.

Why does no teapot pour prop-erly? Shit pisses me off. And makes me sound weird.

I gotta pee.

I'm bsack now. That was great.

I'm tired. Sleep now.

You guys. You are the guys.

Finally, some balance...

With all of the media today and the constant bombardment of opinion and "insight" we are routinely subjected to, it's extremely easy to be influenced by the impressively loud majority. They seem to have been able to make us think what they want and we feel there is no problem in doing or feeling that what they say is right. They're tactics are to inundate us, convince us, and then drive their points home by bludgeoning us over the head with a loop-like, repetitive dirge of their "facts" and expertise. Well I call bullshit. They are just a group of individuals who, by the way, very rarely know more about your opinions and leanings than you, another individual, do. I unfortunately have fallen victim to this sheep like mentality as I am, I lament, only human. Therefore, I am making a conscious effort to allow myself my own thoughts on things the pundits feel I should be only beholden to them on (weird sentence). So I made a list of my own beliefs, as trivial as they may be. Hey, get off my back. At least I made a list. What have you done?!

Overrated
Thinking Globally

Underrated
Acting Locally

Overrated
Paris Hilton
Underrated
Paris, Ontario

Overrated
Fluorescent Bulbs
Underrated
Turning off the Lights

Overrated
Diamonds
Underrated
Lou Diamond Phillips

Overrated
Die Hard
Underrated
Die Hard III (I'm gonna catch some shit for this one)

Overrated

Radiohead
Underrated
Radiohead

Overrated
Politics
Underrated
Reason

Overrated
Dane Cook
Underrated
Louis C.K.

Overrated
Jogging
Underrated
Walking

Overrated
Sex
Underrated
Sex with Another Person

Overrated
Twilight
Underrated
Reading anything, ANYTHING else

Overrated
Global Warming
Underrated
More Ice Cream

Overrated
Tropical Beaches
Underrated
Cottage Shorelines

Overrated
Weeds
Underrated
Smokin' dem shits

Overrated
Rap
Underrated
Hip Hop

Overrated
Lobster...
Underrated
...with Black Bean Sauce


I am finished. For now. As time passes, more things may lodge themselves in my craw-like craw. But for now, I leave you. Goodnight, and Good Luck.

I haz no wrds...

wen I wz n skul, my favorite subjec wz alwys eng. Math wz n gud, NE of d sciences didnt rly intRSt me, & of corS NE foreign lngwij corSz mAd me tres bored et tired (som shit stil stuck though). My most anticipated claS wz alwys d 1 n whch we rOt, rED, & 4 lack of a BetA wrd, celebrated d eng lngwij & aL of itz 1Drz. rEDN & writiN wer latched onto v earlE n my Lyf & I cn remMbR bn complEtlE smitN w d process & journey dat dEz two literary skiLz presntD. ther4, I dedicate DIS piece 2 d 404 lngwij & d 4gottn, BUTful vehicle of cmUnik8shn, b it verbal o visual, dat we hav aL Bin blessed n knON. @ lEst 4 a brief period.

It iz @ DIS tym I apologize. I do hav a point...

I sEmz dat n DIS prticulr tym period, 1 we hav Bin LckE Enuf 2 b existing n 2day, ppl hav btrayD our own lngwij 4 d qix & EZ form of txt spk. I, 4 1, cn undRstNd dat n d hustle & bustle of everyday Lyf, ppl hav tngz 2 sA & dey nEd 2 sA dem qix, w/o NE flourish o embellishment. It iz un4tuN8ly d way of d wrld & since weve aL decided 2 live Lyf n a huge goddamn hurry, ther iz nary a split-second unaccounted 4. evrtng iz condensed & L w/o fEln & mEng. & vowLZ? fuck vowLz! hu nEdz dem?

"Dammit! jst az I wz getin mo included!"

itz true dat evry lngwij goes Thru an evolution & somwot of a progression throughout history. I mean we dun spk n ye olde engish NEmor do we? bt doesnt progrS mean 4ward motion o an uphill ascension? Shouldn't our lngwijz bcum mo pleasing & dynamic insted of mo anoyN & EZ? o mAbE it shud bcum mo convenient. Im suR Tolstoy wshD it c%d hav Bin.

DIS iz a lng (_!_) buk!

It jst disappoints me 2 knO dat f tngz cArE on DIS way, DIS iz whr eng wiL eventually wind ^. jst tink how mind-numbingly anoyN it wz 2 rED DIS entire post. Imagine rEDN a whol buk lIk DIS (Twilight iz close) & magazines, o ads, o Miranda rghtz. wot wiL bcum of our mum Tongue?

We nEd 2 b a ltl mo vigilant wen it cumz 2 d tngz dat R important 2 us dEz dAz especalE. f we dun dey wiL b takN awA & we wiL jst lose cite of dem 4e. Imagine, f U wiL, d v thawt of grabbing a drink, sitN dwn & relaxing, & havN 2 rED DIS shit 4 200 pgz.

Literature.

wer aL faLN jst a bit t% fst & we nEd 2 slO dwn. We nEd 2 express ourselves propRlE az much az posebL so we dun bcum :)~ idiots hu dun evN Laff NEmor, we jst LOL. How we communicate iz an extremely important & identifying trait & nEdz 2 b protekD & revered. especalE swears. thOs R f'n motherfucking delicious 2 sA (& typ bitches!!!) letz git bak 2 our lngwij. letz wrte it, rED it, & luv it jst lIk we did bak wen we 1st LernD 2 do aL 3. I jst hOp we cn do it. othRwIz, tombstones wiL lose aL solemnity, d ABC wiL contaN symbols, & ppl lIk Ke$ha wiL L%k lIk geniuses. U hEr me ppl?!?!? GENIUSES!!!

1 luv

The first day of sick...

I'm not feeling well today. Nor yesterday. Even more nor the day before. Unintentional rhyming aside, it's uncanny. It's like as soon as Labour day comes and goes, I know there is about a week of me being ill (not the good hip-hop kind either). I know there are two times a year I get sick. Summerintofall and Winterintospring. Two times where I know to make sure I got crackers and ginger ale. This is my medicine. Luckily my place of employment allows for sick time. This is key because I just sleep. And sleep. And sleep. And slzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, dozed off again. I'm feeling a little more refreshed now but still struggling. This blowing wind seems to be aiming for my nose which has become some sort of faucet.

My nose. From Parker Brothers.

It is my favourite time of year however. I guess now that there is no school to go back to, Autumn makes for a very different season. The change in weather from patios to sweaters notwithstanding, the Fall is one of those blocks of months that I call a transition season. It is the bridge from effing hot to effing cold and is a huge reminder that there is beauty to behold even in the death of millions of living things. It is like a fantastic annual genocide that fills one's life with wonder and raking. Some people even make the changing of the foliage a road trip vacation and migrate to places far, far away just to see leaves that aren't green anymore.

Disneyworld.

In any event, the cold is now upon us. Coats are being brought out and long johns are being reinstated. I'm prepared, or will be once this bug has been slept away and drowned with Canada Dry. So bring on Thanksgiving, Halloween, and then yes, Christmas. I'm looking forward to it. The anticipation is electric. I can barely contain my excitzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

This is udderly depressing...

You know what sucks? I'll tell you what sucks. I think I'm becoming Lactose Intolerant. I just looked it up, and apparently it's possible.

The teats that rocks my insides.

Now this is not a for sure, but the very thought of it makes me angry. I'm very aware that as time progresses, more and more things may be taken away. I mean, there will come a time when each of us will become breathing intolerant. Regardless, this is my favourite food group. What am I gonna do without dairy. It just doesn't seem right. I can't put Rice Dream in my Tea. I can't have soy milk on my Fruity Pebbles. I'm not dippin Oreos into Lactaid. I won't! I refuse! Maybe I need a support group. I guess it's just black coffee at those meetings. Either way, for the first time in my life I have to pay special attention to what I ingest. Thanks loads body. And to think of all those times I made you drunk. There's gratitude for you.