As I had mentioned in previous bloggings, I was recently really sick. I mean praying for death kind of sick. Well, maybe not praying for death, but definitely praying for something. Maybe it was praying for Russia to win the World Juniors in an emasculating Canada kind of way (cheers God!). Maybe I was praying to hear Nick Lachey say Whiffenpoofs just one more time. But I think it was more that the sheer boredom of catatonic illness made me long for the days when I remembered either being stimulated, or just being able to be.
Because of said malady, I was resigned to take root on the couch and fill my eyeholes with whatever moving pictures I could grab. I made the decision to go against the grain and try something new. Instead of the warm, sweet embrace of movies I had seen before and was therefore in no danger of not enjoying, I thought, "Hey let's try some new ones. The eight gallons of Neo-Citron will kick in anytime and I'll probably just get the Universal logo and the end credits. Let's go!" Oh you sweet fool.
Here now are very quick reviews of the movies I viewed during my break from wellness. Please understand that some of them are a couple of years old so I'm not gonna be making many original insights. This is just what I thought of the group of films I chose to watch. And I was sick so my choices might be questionable. But get off my back! Like you never made bad movie choices. I was working with what I had.
1) The Happening
This is a shit movie. The trailers looked pretty interesting but this is a shit movie. The story is weak and it's a shit movie. Zooey Deschanel is wasted. And for some reason, Marky Mark's acting coach told him years ago that panting as you deliver every line is Oscar-worthy. This is a shit movie.
2) Hancock
Starts well. Kinda interesting. I'll never buy Will Smith as a drunk. I actually think in his videos he pours Kool-Aid on bitches, not Dom P. And that's only if they're on fire. Jason Bateman is awesome in everything. The ending sucks and makes no sense. Had potential. Never delivered. I then got drunk. I bought that.
3) I Am Legend
Good performance. Until he fucking killed the dog. I didn't recover. Started rooting for the vampires.
4) The Village
I liked it. I thought it was pretty solid. However, I kept waiting for Joaquin to start rapping. I like that Bryce Dallas Howard chick though. She's kinda hot. Good little actress too. I wonder if there's another film with her in it that I could watch...
5) The Lady in the Water
...oh there's one! This movie was the worst piece of shit since The Back-up Plan. I hated it. I not only hated it, I resented it. I resented it because it made me remember that I had seen The Back-up Plan when I instinctively made the comparison. Sorry Shyamalamalamalan, you're dead to me.
6) Good Hair
A little light docko to break up the monotony. I shouldn't have been entertained by this movie. It had 4 things I cannot relate to: 1. Being black 2. Being a woman 3. Being a black woman 4. Having hair. All that said, I thought it was pretty interesting and I done learned stuff! I recommend.
7) Invictus
I think the only person happier than Nelson Mandela when he was released was Morgan Freeman's agent. I honestly think that if Mandela wanted to disappear for a while, Morgan could step in and nobody would notice. Also, I know 20% more about rugby than when I started. I think that brings me up to about 13% knowledge.
8) Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
I like animation alright?!! And so do you. This movie was great and funny and well done and great. I should never judge a cartoon before I see it. I do it every time and every time I'm proven wrong. It's fun as shit and you should watch it. Well, maybe drugs might have had something to do with it. But I was sick okay?! Try and tell me that some of the best movie experiences you've ever had were without the assistance of some narcotic. That's what I thought.
So I think that's it. I could be wrong, I was praying a lot then remember? I might have missed a few but anyway, those were the ones my mind decided to keep in the ol' filing cabinet (Note: That phrase only works perfectly if you envision me gesturing to my head whilst saying it). So, as you can see, I have many better films to watch over the coming year. I'm always open to suggestions and recommendations. I will keep you abreast of any and all so don't you worry your ol' filing cabinets about that.
Deuces
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